Last spring, I had the mixed pleasure of making three trips to Montana to see my sister. Mixed because while Montana is a beautiful place replete with hiking trails and I love my sister, she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I would have preferred to be visiting under other circumstances. For those trips, my buddy Nicholai accompanied me.
Back in Montana now, I retrace steps I took with Nicholai the last time we were here. Mr. Pickle stayed pretty much glued to my side and we hiked and walked together as I shared in numerous blog posts. But even when I went to the bathroom, Nicholai followed me there, camping out on the rug while I showered. I'll never know if he perceived the approach of the grim reaper and vulnerability drove him to my side, or if he simply chose closeness to his primary person out of preference, much as I chose closeness to my primary dog-friend. Perhaps he knew as well as I our time together was finite and wanted the most out of our relationship.
These Montana steps are the last ones waiting to be experienced for the first time without Nicholai. Our trips here together during the mountain spring were laden with poignant moments. Both Joan and I watched Nicholai make the most of every day while we contemplated the ravages of cancer. Nicholai's robustness so many months after his predicted demise infused weary humans with hope and a sense of empowerment. Along with Nicholai, we chowed down anti-oxidant packed veggies and hiked relentlessly, soaking up the song of the hills until our souls were filled.
Staring down the potential loss of Nicholai, I wondered what life would be like without him. I didn't know how I would proceed without a daily dose of my contemplative companion.
This morning I rose to a cold Christmas Eve day – sky, hills, and horizon all blue and white. While my sister ran with Kelley, I (still on activity restriction after eye surgery) walked with Izzy who was decked out in a red fleece jacket. A cold white moon hung in the wintery sky and a biting wind whipped around my face. I proceeded with one foot in front of the other.
I wish Nicholai was still here to enjoy life with me. But, no matter what happens, I find each day delivers at least one moment of beauty.
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